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Continuation of the chapter 5

Was I adult ?

I can assure you that the effect did not wait many times to be! I do not mean for that, which I heard the sound of a voice or some supernatural manifestation as I imagined myself, but I came into the presence of these spirits by what I believed were my thoughts, my desires irresistible and my behavioral changes.

To want to come into contact with my father's soul, it was not it who had manifested itself, but I know it now, some demons. I told you that when I began to live by my precepts, I had been challenged myself how much I had become teasing. There, it was no longer surprising me, but rather a disgust of me, to make me feel sick from my own behavior. The very day after my father's death, I began to expose myself in such a way that I was frightened, disgusted, but I could not do anything against it. I knew immediately that it was not me! It was so much that I watched myself act without being able to control myself. I who boasted  loud and clear to whoever wanted to hear me, that to overcome the forces of darkness or witchcraft or other things of this kind, it was enough to "want", that nothing could reach us if we were strong in character, Well, I was the plaything of these demons.

A few months later, I had so much multiplied my misdeeds to excess that I was arrested by the gendarmerie and placed in police custody. I recognized my mistakes and was declared civilly responsible for my actions by two psychiatrists. In closed session, I was sentenced to two years in prison suspended.

The thing certainly reached me deeply, but did not bring me the conviction that it was humanly impossible to overcome this kind of evil. So I continued to place my confidence in myself, because even if I saw myself acting as another, my trap was to believe it was "me". I confused the temptations that came to me from the tempter and my responsibility to put in practice those told temptations. We will talk about it again in the second part.

I must admit, however, that this flick of the enemy that I did not know in its true dimension, had strongly questioned me as to occultism and witchcraft. Given what had happened to my parents when they had brought these "people" to find out if someone was acting on them, by witchcraft; because there had been the death of my father; because the borrowing made on the house had been settled by the insurance life and that certain attitudes of my grandmother, always the same brought us additional doubts; because at the death of dad, I thought it was she who had finally got the better of him; because myself, I saw myself going against my own will, even if I was cooperating; because of all this, I addressed to a woman who was manipulating the pendulum, as my grandmother did.

But what can white magic do against itself, or white magic, against black magic? All this remains as six of one and half a dozen of the other. It's again having its house guarded by the thief.

This does not, of course, result in anything, because even though my grandmother was probably one of the gears of the curse on my family, for my part, these curses were drowned in my own responsibilities in relation to all my mistakes. Let's go thus no further in this direction that would only lead us to beat around the bush to better look the other way. God does not ask us to look at the mistakes of those who led us to error, but at our own sin of which He want to free us Himself for our happiness.

This happiness remained for me at that time, our motor home that I was going to redevelop in a more comfortable way, having realized some inconsistencies in the first year. On the thirteenth of July 1975 we all left for a month in Greece.

These holidays are among the best we never spent together. They were interspersed with so many unexpected encounters with so wonderful Greeks throughout our sojourn that we came back convinced of having missed out on the life that everyone should aspire to. Even Samuel and Igor have been so cute, that everything encourages us not to restart the relentless current of traditional life at the resumption of September.

We were still there on Sunday after our return, without know what to do so much the disorientation was important. The work of Mom's house must have been interrupted momentarily, and at the moment, even a walk appeared almost futile. As the hours passed, however, we decided to kill time, to go for a drive, and if the chance would, we would attend either a car stunt or a Auto-Cross race as we had seen on advertising posters. I, who had always been so fervent of car races or other such shows of this kind, that day I let myself go to the randomness of life, without even knowing in which direction we had to go.

We still knew little about the region, because since a year that we lived there, we had never gone out because of this famous construction. Thus, at about five pm o'clock, we passed before a kind of great country festival, at which I did not want to stop at first. We was just swallowed up a few thousand kilometers the previous weekend, so Annette and the exhausted children by so much road, they insisted that we stopped. Unlike the usual, it was even Annette who went to inquire at the same time the type of event, its duration, the price of places, finally all the traditional. It was a Auto-Cross race, it had started late, so far from ending. For want of anything better we entered!

After few races, I began to criticize! I think that day, I would have even found fault with a Formula One race, so much the motivation was lacking. From hour to hour, however, I began to take an interest in it little by little, then on my way, I listened when, beside me, I heard two wives of pilots talking to each other about their husbands. I did not venture to say a word on moment, but as the hours went by, banally, I hazarded a few words to their attention. With a smile, they answered me very simply. So I was more precise, the equipment, the license, the budget? I came out of the circuit that same evening with the almost certainty that I will let myself be tempted; Coming home I began to do projects, the next day, helped by a fervent supporter, I looked for my first vehicle.

This supporter, I had found him in my colleague and friend Jean-Mary who will was going immediately become the engine of the situation. We had already greatly weakened our budget during the holidays, so these new expenses had to be very limited to have a chance to succeed. He struggled to get me a free old car R8 belonging to one of his friends; another, an R10 engine to revise; for advertising on the vehicle, a fire extinguishers; for a few hundred francs, the tube to make a roll bar; and on February 15, 1976, I began my first drive.

It was certainly not a bomb this first car and I do not tell you, that when I found myself for the first time on a starting line, I really took myself seriously. I who had dreamed a hundred times and more, to do the twenty-four hours of Le Mans or even these Formula 3 races that I had been just about to participate, to find myself in a field to do "Zoom, Zoom", I must confess that it seemed quite childish to me at the time. As soon as the flag was lifted I forgot all the context, and for lack of anything better, the "Zoom, Zoom" was going remain my passion for ten years.

I did not realize at the time that the second of my goals had also found its accomplishment. I believe that I interpreted it as a simple step of an objective to come.

I built a vehicle carrier that I did ratified, and often at the weekend, we left here or there with the motor home at the whim of the races. The weeks as to them, were going to be all the more fulfilled as at each exit the restoration work did not miss. This allowed me perhaps to limit some of my bad actions, which although more masked, did not cease for all that. This obviously brought more and more dissensions in the couple who was going progressively tearing up itself.

It was nevertheless around this time, it seems to me, that I began to really become aware of the injustices of our civilization facing the developing countries. This shows that the man is always torn between good and evil. At that time I had another colleague whose grandfather had patented various types of wind turbines, then, between that and the pumping stations in the desert, later the desalination of seawater or mini manufacturing units of medications, I began to gradually feel, which there would be many beautiful things to do, if they were financially devoid of speculation. I then judged others in their ingratitude, without even realizing that my own evil inclinations were even more selfish to my own family than those I accused of all the ills of the earth. We are much more inclined to judge others than to judge ourselves; it is one of our greatest shortcomings!

Shortly before the seventy-seven holidays, I left this company of absorbent cotton and dressing making and looked for another job. I found one not far away, in Evreux in a company specializing in the installation of food factories.

It was going to be an important shift for me, which would allow me to gradually leave the drawing board to become a man on the ground. I will, of course, pass you many details without much interest, so as to stop from time to time, only on the particular points which had the most incidences on my life.

The main lines of the marital misconduct were going unfortunately to persist, but I believe more and more in the unsuspected goal then, to find another companion. As I was looking for, however, the happiness of Annette as that of Samuel and Igor, I went around in circles, refusing to make them undergo a clear and brutal separation. I indeed longed for a happy family life in which no one had been left behind. I tried to manage extramarital excesses with family life, without forgetting the Auto-Cross and the professional investment necessary to succeed and be able to provide for all the desires of each.

That's how that year, in the offseason, I built my first car. It was entirely hand-made, my only tools being an electric drill and a soldering station, supplemented by a few files and a hacksaw. We lived in a residence, and in the small lock-up garage, I used as a workshop, I had very bit space, not even electricity. Every time I worked at the construction of the dune buggy, I had to use an extension cord through the window of the apartment. The neighbors often served me as spectators, and in particular a young couple, Gill and Catherine who did not know they will be a few years later, a key to my life.

Our arrival in Evreux was not going to be a good influence for Samuel. I suppose that, marked by the death of his grandfather, he began at that time to wonder about spiritual matters. The "What is there after death? ", really challenges young and old. I, who considered myself "to be particularly well up on the topic", did not miss of course, any opportunity to talk to him about all my science relating to this theory, at which I always believed hard as iron.

I do not know if he really took it into account, but this period marked for him, a very difficult turning point to negotiate. From that moment, he experienced such difficulties of integration in his new school as well as in various other areas of life, that he never really recovered of it, from all his schooling. What a pity, he who was so well gone the previous years!

To what should this phenomenon be attributed? Being myself concerned only by the role of a father, I will be careful not to make a direct cause-and-effect relationship with what I taught him. It is clear, however, that his school difficulties began at that time.

Igor, he was in kindergarten, and happy to be there, even if it was only an appearance due to his youth. Like Samuel, he suffered greatly from our perpetual disagreements, which certainly grew in stages, but just as inexorably as the passage of time, and only a few intermediate dead quiet.

At the holidays seventy-eight, we returned to Greece, but did not find all the pleasant circumstances of 1975. It seemed to us that everything became terribly tourist and although satisfied when we returned, we seemed to have remained somewhat on our hunger.

It was then, that friends whom we had some time lent a hand in the works of enlargement of their residence, proposed to us a renting common to the winter sports. Having never been there before, I had a completely wrong idea of skiing. I was absolutely not tempted by what I thought were the constant shuttles, ascent, descent. We let ourselves nevertheless convinced by their enthusiasm to evoke the memories of their past adventures, and at Christmas we went to find them in the Vosges. It was indeed great! We were entirely won over each other, but also convinced that it would always be the right choice of mountain. It seemed to us, then, as absolutely useless and derisory to turn our gaze to the big and snobbish alpine resorts.

Like several other years, we spent our summer holidays to the Torreilles' beach in naturist side, near Perpignan. We then quickly got into the habit to program our winter holidays so early the summer holidays ended, and almost reciprocally. Thus the following year, we who thought to go back to the winter sports as previously, in a very small station of the Vosges, we found ourselves again to share a chalet with our same friends, but in Les Houches, in the Alps. We remained there for two consecutive weeks that year and everyone's progress was so obvious that before the end of the stay, this station had already begun to look too small. This shows that it is wise as the proverb goes: “Never say never”!

The year nineteen-hundred-eighty was going to be a good vintage. At weekends, in auto-cross, we were privileged with the motor home, compared to other families of drivers. The children were ready, especially at that time. Annette, as for she, was rather happy at the comeback, when I had did a good place, but she was always a little anxious at the start. I inaugurated my fifth season and was beginning to have equipment equivalent to the best, and to know how to use it just as well. For budget reasons, in order to keep the winter and summer holidays, I never competed in the championship of France, according to my aspirations. It would have taken me too frequently to take days off and incur too much expense, the majority of the races of this championship taking place at that time, in the south of France. Out exception, so I was happy with the north of our beautiful country and, living in Normandy, my points in races, were counted in this regional championship.

At mid-season eighty, I was leading a point to it, in front of a very good friend driver who often competed in the championship of France, when my professional activities came to put an end to my Sunday rejoicings. Towards the end of June, beginning of July, a construction site which had been somewhat forgotten since two years, came out for its execution. Through of the departure of some technical managers, I found myself alone to know the whole file, so I was offered to ensure the follow-up of montage.

This represented for me the springboard for a major promotion, and opened me wide the doors of a technician function for which I had the qualifications, and to which I aspired deeply since my entry into this society. I did not even ask myself about my auto-cross season, I immediately said yes to my departure in Colombia.

I was going to supervise the installation of a fairly large unit of extraction and concentration of fruit juice. Despite the task before me, I made one last race, went for a weekend meet with Annette and the children at Cap d'Agde where they spent their holidays, then flew away me to Bogota. I thank my God whose existence I denied at that time, that He allowed me nevertheless to make this human experience. It indeed brought me a great deal and allowed me to realize the beauty that He has put Himself in the heart of the ordinary man, whatever his race or the color of his skin.

I had received a lot of instructions from my superiors for this mission and as contractually we did not sell the assembly of equipment, but only their assembly supervision, all the staff, tools and equipment, were at the expense the customer who had received a very long list since a long time. I had therefore been particularly warned about of the absolute necessity that no detail, absolutely none, should be missing. I had to confirm as soon as my arrival on the site, that everything was perfectly respected in every detail or return to France without delay in the opposite case. I had to be all the more cautious, as I was accompanied for the occasion by a chief fitter, "Fredo", who had a good reputation for drinking like a fish. Excuse me "Fredo" to tell the truth.

Upon our arrival in Bogota, we met our host group, a few hours after the scheduled appointment. First failure on my part, because at the airport I had not recognized my name pronounced to the Spanish. I had indeed for any practice of this language, only two years of personal work by Assimil Method. It was very little! We managed, however, to join our client, who was very warm towards us, almost too much. They offered us a hearty appetizer and then took us to one of the best French restaurants in Bogota. If I perceived a certain embarrassment in them, I did not attach too much importance to it and ignored voluntarily it.

In the afternoon we went to visit the Consulate of France, then they dragged us to the International exposure Fair in Bogota which, as unfortunately for me, was actually taking place at that time. It must be pointed out that our client was a very large liquor factory and that it exhibited all its production with tasting at will. It was going to be for Fredo, the most wonderful introduction he had ever met in the world ... I had made the resolution to follow him in order not to make me an enemy of him, so I followed him.

After a tasting more than abundant, we left this fair late at night and went to eight in a 4x4, towards Moniquira; a small town located one hundred fifty kilometers further north. In Tunja, a fairly big city, we had only traveled ninety kilometers, but we stopped. Our companions dropped off us at the largest hotel in the city, with an appointment the next morning at ten o'clock. I could not yet draw too hasty conclusions, but throughout this first evening my impatience had begun to rise a little, and my fears of discovering a lack of technical preparations were growing with the passing hours. The next day, the time of the appointment dragged on again more than reason, until I had to insist almost heavily to do the last sixty kilometers that separated us from the site. My telex of confirmation of compliance with their commitments should have already arrived in France for more than twenty-four hours, while we had not yet arrived on the site. About five-thirty pm, we finally entered in the enclosure of the site. The people in charge of the production unit joined us and took us to a superb villa, built in order to later become a function residence and which for the time was our home. They all had the firm intention of settling us in there the same evening, but I was much more impatient to control my requirements than to put my clothes on the coat rack. Reluctantly they complied with my requirements and in desperation, they drove us before nightfall to the buildings built to receive our facilities.

The equipments sent by sea transport two years earlier, were stored at a hundred meters from their points of use, and not far from these wooden cases covered with dust and huge moths, about twenty handlers formed a chain to pass cartons of empty bottles. The building and all the civil engineering was certainly very beautiful, but no anchor point of the material figuring on the plans existed. In addition, there were absolutely no tools, nor any of the lifting and handling equipment which appeared on the very long list of the necessary requirements.

The totality of this list was the imperative condition to our arrival and especially to our collaboration on the spot. They had confirmed several times in writing that they had everything and as I just told you, I had the formal order to respect any comma or return immediately. The choice was so difficult that for many it would not even have been asked. It was not my case and I took the time to think twice about it: Or I trusted despite all the implausibility of the situation and I myself assumed all the responsibility,  with the consequences that this implied for my career if we failed, or I was leaving, but I didn't want to. The mounting time itself was relatively short with all the necessary tools, then, all the more reason without any tools or almost. It was to engage in an untenable bet, at the risk of seeing, or the stay extend to the extreme, or be forced to leave the worksite half finished. Both of these issues represented for me the assurance of an immediate and certainly justified dismissal.

I was at this point of all my analysis, as we were going up toward the villa, Fredo and I with the group of people in charge, when we arrived again near the cases of equipments. The twenty-two handlers, who, a few minutes before, were passing themselves the boxes of empty bottles, were there, in a group, looking at me.

I see again in one of those looks, like that supplication he addressed to me then. This one was not pretended. He could not invent it. It came out of a heart that certainly did not feel the right to challenge me, but that heart was in need of this work. This man, if I had crossed him on a Parisian sidewalk, I would have taken him for Marlon Brando so much he looked like him, and probably the roles would have been reversed. But he was there, in those light color and threadbare clothes, yellowing with dust, looking at me with eyes that begged me to accept. I believe today that it is to him that I then trusted and he perceived it. His eyes caught mine and in an almost friendly voice, he said to me in Spanish: "Which one does one take in first?”

It's weird; this sentence still resonates in my head as if it were then addressed to me in French, although none of them spoke it. In order not to appear as caught off guard, I looked at one near him and said: Esta! From a same heart they uttered a cry of victory, and rushed towards the heavy cases. I had indicated a small who should not weigh more than two to three hundred pounds, to five or six; they caught it in less time than it takes to say it: It was gone! My decision was made; we tried the impossible, with mutual trust.

If I remember correctly, the famous telex so much awaited by my superiors, confirming the exact list of human potential, tools and existing equipment, the very one that then would had allowed them to order my return, never reached them? ? Due to the fact that it is not...

I don't give you the details of the festivities which followed on the site, with the local director who was a Fredo number two, and the responsible engineers who did not suck either only ice. We did not sleep more than an hour that first night, but at seven o'clock the next morning, on a Saturday, when the fourteen mechanics arrived; we were me and Fredo on the building site. To his great despair we discovered that only one of all these men knew how weld under an argon atmosphere, and again it was only a haphazard approach.

I will quote only a few details on this subject, because my goal is not to share my professional experience or to glorify myself. Nevertheless, I believe that in our industrialized countries, we would sometimes have a great need to live a readjustment of the opinion that we have about others as I experienced one, but judge by yourself. On Monday morning, upon the arrival of these same mechanics, one of them handed me a letter written in perfect French, while none of them spoke it. In the first sentence, I thought I had got stung. They asked me to kindly adjust their schedule, and told me their daily schedule of work. They had to get up every day at about four-thirty, get out of their house at five o'clock, and walk for one hour to join the regrouping point, where the driver of the little Renault 4L was willing to take them. They then took an hour to reach the yard, worked until noon, resumed work from two pm to six pm, an hour of return, but at this point their schedule jammed. Of the six who made the trip in this old little 4L car, morning and evening, there were four, who attended evening classes, from six pm to ten pm, every day of the week. The time to get back on foot, it was eleven pm, eat, wash, lie down... say eleven thirty pm at midnight every night.

I beg you to believe that there was no lie in that, for later I had the opportunity to verify it without their knowledge. The only thing I regret a little is to have reacted haughtily to these good people. With certainly more than a bit of anger, I told them first categorically: No! They insisted a little, trying to make me understand how important it was for them. I weakened myself a little, but warned them pitilessly in these terms "here it will not be a site to the Colombian manner, but a site to the French manner, the first that will stagger will be irretrievably put out".

When, in the course of the days, I realized the enormity of what I had imposed on them, I was really ashamed to have diminished them in such a way. None of the three mechanical cutters that were specified never arrived. They kept a manual hacksaw for twelve mechanics during the two months that lasted the construction. The expression may not be elegant, but it made me a "stomach ache" to see these poor unfortunate strive to cut straight their tubes. They sweated profusely the last trace of moisture of their bodies, even though they did not even have the right to change the saw blade as long as there was a single tooth left on it. Never did any handling material arrive. They did, however, install a press weighing twelve tons and measuring ten meters long, more than one meter above the ground or a citrus grater four tons, more than two meters and of course many other similar equipments. The first real welding machine arrived more than a month after the opening of the construction site. No warehouseman ever had gloves or safety shoes and none of them ever found him to sink a nail into the feet.

As the site progressed, my admiration for their work was growing, and I was well realising the progress, when one morning around ten o'clock, at about fifteen days from the end of the work, to my surprise, I saw them all stopped working and grouped together. They told me with embarrassment that it had been promised to them travel expenses they had not yet received. They knew very well that if the yard ended before they had been paid, they could say goodbye to their due. I knew it too. I promised them to settle the different and in the minutes that followed, they were back to work, as if they had never experienced any resentment. They received their due and the site was fully completed, at the exact day, in due time.

On the day of my birthday, on September 13th, as their tradition with friends wants, they get trapped me near a wall, broke eggs on my head and covered me with flour singing wholeheartedly. So that I do not turn into pastry baked in the sun, they took me by the hands and feet, and swayed me in a large decanter which fortunately for me, was in water but not yet in its final function. I really keep an excellent memory of each of them.

Of course, to my annoying habit, I had not remained indifferent to the pretty Colombians women, including one in particular. I had lived these two months so marvelously, with all these men as with this woman for whom I had a profound passion, that my return to France would bring me a very painful split, especially towards this one. According to us, we were going to be certainly separated only for a while, since a new phase of work was normally planned a few months later, but in my unsuspected quest for a beloved partner, my heart was in a state of profound disarray at the moment.

In this plane that carried me away from her, I remembered all our difficulties in finding ourselves, the desire she had to go to France with me, when suddenly a disappointment of the most unexpected happened to me. I would do without to tell you about it, I assure you, if, so many years later, I did not realize how much spiritual importance it had.

My desires for this woman whom I left behind, the thought of leaving her, all began to appear to me atrocious, unbearable, more than reason. In a pernicious way, I let me go to think about her, to imagine her close to me, to remind me of all our promises, when suddenly, sitting in my armchair, in the midst of all, without moving, only by the thought, without anything to let me presage, to my surprise and my great shame, I was seized with an irresistible orgasm that paralyzed me. I took a quick glance left and right; no one luckily did not seem to have seen anything.

I knew myself out of standards, but at this point ... I was really ashamed of myself.

In my confusion I rejected this in the depths of myself. I probably repeat myself a little, but I assure you that I would gladly have hushed up this detail of my life to you, if I were not convinced of the spiritual importance of this moment of misguidance. We will see why in the second part.

I went back to the France as the auto-cross season ended. Too many races had happened without me, so that I could claim an honorable place in any championship. It does not matter to me any more today, and even if at the time a good place would have been very pleasant, there was always the hope of the following season, without counting on the more immediate joys of skiing.

It was this winter, it seems to me, that we tasted for the first time the great alpine resorts at the Arc 1800. We were all so delighted that year after year, we sought our happiness only in this region searching for this type of resorts only and went therefore to the discover of new runs. This is how we went to the Deux Alpes, Toussuire, Val Thorens, Alpes d'Huez and Méribel.

At that time, there was already two years that I had left the residence where I had built my first buggy of auto-cross, to come live a detached house on the outskirts of Evreux. I had built this first model a little too narrow and I was "fed up" contusions on half of the right leg and both elbows, the day after each race. So I invest a little more this time and prepared a machine to the limits of the minimum weight allowed, with bodywork in epoxy resin. I prepared it with an adjustable braking dispatcher from the dashboard, a self-locking differential and a 1300 Gordini engine that blithely developed its 130 horsepower. I was going to be well armed at the beginning of the season.

Once again, work was going to be a priority. As with Colombia, the company that employed me had sold several years before, six installations of sterilization by direct steam injection to the Soviet Union. A process similar to that of UHT milk in its beginnings, and I was going to commission the six installations.

It was the time when people often said "we have no oil but we have ideas". I had come back from Colombia with the experience that I just told you by saying, "Beware the buddies, do not be fooled, in fifteen years Colombia will be very close to our equal". When I came back from Ukraine, I said "there you have nothing to fear, because if today they are thirty years behind us, in ten years they will have twenty more".

I was also convinced in 1981 that we would have war within less than two years, so much political intoxication was great. I do not say that pejoratively towards the Soviets themselves, on the contrary, because there as elsewhere, I met many charming people. I would even say, with a few rare exceptions: ONLY, charming people! There was, however, such a human waste, such moral depravity, that for all the gold of the world, even and especially at that time, I would never have gone to live there as a Soviet resident.

No doubt I would accept it now, if I perceived that the Lord asked me, because He is worth more than all the gold or all the money in the world, but at that time it would have been for me the acceptance of dying more than a little, worse than sleeping when I was still a child.

I will not elaborate on all the human depravities I witnessed in four months. So that they could have sickened me at the time, after what I told you about myself, you will certainly be able to imagine the dimension without imagining the details. The horror was unfortunately both physical and moral, but especially moral. I do not just talk to you at the sexual level, but at all levels, you have to have lived a minimum time, to understand the dimension.

Nevertheless, I came back much more disappointed from Russia than I had returned from Colombia, as to the one I left there. God had prepared for me, what I lived afterwards, I know now, and probably did not allow me to maintain a correspondence with her. I wrote her a long time, but to every letter I received from her, I realized that she was not receiving mine. That also was part of the brainwashing...

For my part, always without making myself perfectly aware, I was desperately looking for the beloved, the one with whom I could share a life of happiness, but I had to wait again.

Around 1982, there were always winter sports and summer holidays but not always so long. My work was beginning to overflow in such a way on my family life, that I did not realize or measure the importance of the problems that Samuel was experiencing at school. He happened to him sometimes ran away and invented incredible falsehoods to cover his faults before his teachers. I think he was already experiencing the same problems that I had met myself, and that he was unfortunately managing them the same way. The difference was certainly that at that time we did not pay enough attention, unlike mom for me. As for Igor, I saw him close again on himself, unlike his brother. I was sorry to see him exclude himself, and thus attract certain grievances that he could have avoided, but I did not know how to act. In reality, I was too attached to myself to help him, because I would have had to grant him a minimum of my time.

I remember, however, the personal condemnation that I addressed then, when I had to go down to town on Saturdays to go to do a shopping or the other, and I did not take with me Samuel or Igor, to be free to the case where, by chance, I meet an attractive woman to whom I could not court. I can assure you that my guilt was great, but I could not overcome that relentless fate, and continued to do so. We must have lived to know the galley, but each in our own error, no doubt we live it more or less in this way. I was in reality too much selfish, but could I act in a truly different way myself? Again, the man does not do the good he would like to do, but does the evil he does not want to do.

Otherwise, I was sleeping less and less, to "live" more and more. I often spent an impressive amount of time at work, especially when it came to commissioning. Sixty to eighty hours of work a week was not exceptional, and it was often necessary to add very long trips. But if it had only been that ...

There were racing vehicles to prepare, sometimes to spend the whole night there, to go to races, a little maintain the home, remake for our personal use vehicles that I always bought damaged. I also knew how to help one or the other, either to move him, to do the assistance of him in rally or to participate myself as a navigator or organizer, but if there had been only this...

There was actually much more to it than that. There were hours and hours spent looking for "good fortunes". My friends started to think of me as being tireless in my activities, but this last activity, they knew very little of it or thought it occasional. If they had known ... But I was proud of my activism, I thought that it was that to live. I said it to anyone who would listen to me, but boasted of course only the glorious part. I also said that I was not afraid of death and that was perfectly true. I was saying why I did not have that fear of dying, even at forty. Because I said, "I will have done much more than a lot at eighty." Again it was true, and I did not bluff absolutely.

I know now that in front of death, my assurance did not come from me, but from God. How could I had understood it, when I refused the very existence of Him, with the same conviction that for all that I was doing or undertaking?

God had become to me a pure invention of one who clings to the branches of life for fear of death. As for Jesus, let's not talk about Him. I repeat myself perhaps a little, but for me, He had been an extraterrestrial come before the hour, and had tricked of the poor wretches of the time because of their lack of education and their credulity. He had deceived them, deceived by turning water into wine. It was no more than my only biblical reference, the unique I remembered. I was then adding to my nonsense, my own explanation: "He had surreptitiously mixed a powder, a dehydrated wine." Where was the difficulty for an alien? These poor innocents had believed in the miracle, they had even of him made a god. As for prayers and meditations, they were only there to better communicate with our "Me", which then allowed us to multiply our own small earthly capacities by three, four, and even many more.

What heresy! In how many diabolical traps have I been able to fall, and what is more, to bring down many others. From the top of my knowledge, I explained to whoever wanted to hear me, what was the aura, the transmission of thoughts, this electrical energy that results from the fermentation of the body and which obviously produces a wave, visible or invisible. according to its length and the eye that picks up it. A wave which can be received as we all pick up television! Oh! I do not say now that this entire explanation is entirely untrue as to the indisputable physical phenomena, but I also know that all these theories attached to the spiritual, are only a decoy of Satan, to put the knowledge of man to the place of the very existence of God. To put our own personality above the living God, the God of heaven, who gave Jesus Christ His own Son, the one who shed His blood so that whoever believes in Him will not perish but that he has eternal life.

Around those years eighty-one or three, Annette who had discovered my correspondence and from Colombia, then from Russia, lived it very badly. As I said above, these correspondences had finally disappeared. Colombia, because of Russia, Russia because of itself, but the evil remained. It had even become well anchored, because the violent disputes were increasingly disproportionate, and by their frequencies, and by their violence. Unable to bear it more and perhaps in order to be reassured about our future, Annette went to see once or twice to my knowledge, a famous fortune-teller of the city of Evreux. I remember that she then reported to me:

"She told me that I had nothing to fear, that I will live old and alone for a very long time, but despite all the torment that you will make me live, I will never be divorced because you will be dead before.

There are indeed a lot of truths in this sentence, even if it is only a tissue of lies, but let's wait a little, we'll talk about it in due course.

In 1983, tired by the hierarchy a little petty of my company, I passed to the competition, still in the installation of food and pharmaceutical factories.

In this new company I was entrusted with the commercial and technical responsibility of the Paris branch of a Lyon company. Until that time I had drawn, then developed, then negotiated with suppliers, supervised the achievements, and often even did the whole on several contracts at once. From then on, I was going to do the same thing, with in addition the research and conception, both with the client and within my company, with the support of a team of technicians specialized in each profession. I was going to have human contacts at the most diverse levels. In order for an installation to deliver the expected services, it is obviously necessary for the management to know what he wants to produce, but it is also necessary that the user concerned, the one who will spend his days, sometimes his nights, sometimes his life to do function "the non-functional", is not sidelined. Can you imagine the senior management of the Renault cars, to do running Alain Prost at the wheel of a two horses, to win a Formula 1 World Championship? Do not you think he would be entitled to refuse?

I must admit that it was a very exciting job for me. Unfortunately, the passion is only good for itself, and the one who lives it, but those around it diminish each day a little more in his eyes. I had the passion of women and sexual excesses, I had the passion of motorsport, the passion of my own constructions of cars, the passion of my work, the ski, I did not live it too differently. Excuse me if I forget about it but I think you will easily understand where my relatives could pass, those who should had been able to put their trust in me.

Oh! I certainly had a good conscience because I was a partisan of the liberation of women, of reciprocal sexual freedom, but also of all freedom of action, of function, of salary and even fought all forms of authoritarianism of the man outside his home and at home. On the other hand, I was very indulgent to myself concerning the competition, for example: I only made small trips of a few hundred kilometers to go running, and what's more, in family please, let us say it as it is... I would have liked to do the French championship, as I you said it a few pages ago, even the one of Europe, but for the needs of my family, I worked hard to be able to take them to ski or in summer holidays where I was going to get bored of long weeks without having anything to do. This is often what I hinted and even what I was saying sometimes openly. In fact, especially at that time, it was true and yet completely false. It is true that I had happened to me to go on a family vacation to Torreilles as we have already mentioned, but if the first time I had taken my bike, since I was doing auto-cross, I was taking the dune-buggy that followed us everywhere. I then spent most of my time doing mechanics and always found too long the half hour I was going to spend with my family at the beach.

It is not completely wrong, however, that I sought to reconcile passions and family, family and work, work and encounters, but despite all my good will I could never found the balance.

In this year, eighty-three, we discovered a common family passion. Once is not custom, but one more for me: The hike! Imagined and guided by me, it could not be, small daily rambles of all rest. As with every new venture, I documented myself very well. I had already faced enough the harsh climatic difficulties, whether on foot, bike, moped, rally all terrain, mountain and so on, to know that with nature we do not joke, we never cheat.

So we went with the family to the camping caravanning show to buy equipment, and every Sunday we was training us. We had started with small stages, then bigger, then loaded, then loaded into the hills, and then loaded and two days long in the hills. Our training having been flawless, for the holidays, we left in the Pyrenees Orientales. I had in advance, traced the course on Geological Survey map, and all well established our progression. We made a brief reconnaissance of a few points of stage in the car, parked it at home friends in Perpignan, took the train to Villefranche-de-Conflent, drank a last drink on the terrace of a bar, and there: Direction the mountain!

Instead to base our progress on the weaker, as it should be in such a case, I had, for my part, established a walk calendar intermediate between my passion for great human achievements, and the size of my great "toddler" Igor. He was then only ten years old, but certainly already measured no less than one meter fifty, for a weight of forty or forty-five kilos. That had strongly misled me. The year before, we had climbed together to the Mount Canigou. So I had an idea of its strength, but there, over several weeks, I had still planned too great. At the rate of fifteen or seventeen kilometers a day, and in stages from three to four days with only one intermediate day of rest, we traveled in sixteen days, just over two hundred kilometers. Our daily course often reached a total of a thousand meters of rise, a thousand meters downhill. For experienced hikers and in full possession of their means, it would not have been extraordinary, but for the shipment we were constituting, it was almost a challenge. We kept ourselves to the program of the basic itinerary by obligation of the water points, but because of small errors of courses, we came close to touching twice the human limits of each one. It was, however, it seems to me, one of the best family memories of all our common life, which remains to each of us four.

The year 84, I practically did not racing. The maximum engine capacity was increased from 1300 to 1600 CM3. Also, in order to innovate while remaining in maximum category, I modified my old buggy and tried to make it four steered wheels, from a power train of Golf GTI. I had in mind a four steered wheels and drive the next year. In 1985, the settlement having changed again, the maximum engine capacity passed to two liters: Everything was therefore once again to redo! I capitulated this time in front of the entire rebuilding of a car, and engaged myself in this new work in collaboration with friends who did not follow me in the lanes of the four-wheel drive, so I made do with a two-wheelers drive that year.

My work had not diminished quite the contrary, and almost completely encumbered my private life. My weeks were beginning around half past four am on Monday morning to be at the TGV of twenty past six to Paris Station of Lyon, and two hours later in Lyon, to often ending only on Saturday evening. As I was always living in Evreux, weekdays, I had to leave very early in the morning to Paris to return only very late at night, to avoid traffic jams. I'm only talking about theoretically common weeks here, if I did not go out on business, but that was hardly ever happening. Generally we only glimpsed us with Annette. More exactly, I was seeing her when I was going to bed and got up, but she only rarely saw me. It's still a bit true, that there was a part of all that I did for them three, but what was it useful for them?

What I had never been able to limit before, of course, only worsened. My sexual excesses of all kinds had not improved, even if they had somewhat changed appearances. From TGV to hotel rooms, from hotel rooms to night trains... Of course I pass; it would not help us anything! So we bought a big enough plot but a few steps from the station. I negotiated the construction of a pavilion to a friend, and as my parents had done a few years earlier, I kept the responsibility for doing the sanitary, plumbing, heating, ventilation, electricity, the tiles floor, outdoor facilities, finally a trifle.

The whole family got down to work and we did all that during the year eighty-five, between two races however. Even mom came to join us in all our efforts. She anew disguised herself as an electrician and took Samuel as an apprentice. Annette and Igor accomplished laboriously a large part of the exteriors, and at the end of September, even if everything was not completely finished, our house was very properly habitable.

We would have thought then that everything was going to be calm, but that would have been without to take into account on the economic situation. In October 1985, my CEO told me that after analysis, he was about to close the Paris branch of the company. The structure was indeed hardly viable.

This was obviously a hard blow for me, but I remained, however, on very good terms with him. He suggested to me several alternatives, one of which attracted particularly important to me: I would took over the activity of the Paris office for small and medium contracts, by creating a company of which he would become a shareholder.

I was indeed very well introduced to our customers, but also very known in the suppliers’ field. I surrounded myself with several other industrial friends, and constituted an incorporated company. Our capital was certainly minimum, but considering that I had several cases in active that were about to be processed in the pharmaceutical field, everything seemed playable. I rented offices in Mantes la Jolie, and officially started my activity on February 1st, 1986.

On the family side, I had put the cards on the table before engaging me on this path, about all the quarrels we had so frequently in the home. As always, each one being in good faith, Annette then promised me all her best goodwill. If the problem had come only from herself, perhaps she would have been able to do something, but to do the share two, how had could she? Then quickly, so much too quickly, our perpetual splits began again.

At the time, it had been a year and a half since I had known Chantal. I did not tell you about her in the right order, but what does it matter? I had thought once more to find the loved one. I could not stand this life anymore. Each time, I was sincere, but each time, I dive a little lower, when I was thus attaching to someone. This time it had been neither Colombia nor Russia that had separated us, but she who had only wanted to have fun for a few months. I was then on the verge of suicide and the only thing that had held me back then, remember that I had no fear of death, that had been in order not to guilt Samuel and Igor, but also Annette. I probably had never loved her as I should have, but I had always tried not to hurt her, though unfortunately I had always done so. I had found the solution, at least, I thought. I had written a letter to their attention, which I was always going to keep on me.

I wanted them to know that my death had been accidental, due to the fact I was perpetually exceeding the speed limits for which anyone who knew me had foretold me of death, but absolutely not because of our endless discords. Somewhere, I honestly think that I also wanted to say them goodbye, because I loved them beyond what I knew to say and live it. Everything was going farther and farther, too far, far too far...

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