Gigi, Annette's best friend, had moved in together with Daniel, the friend who had built the structural work of my house. He was a municipal councilor and a member of the feasts committee in a small village near Evreux, and from time to time we went out together at the weekend. The carnival season had arrived and with it the masked ball of his commune. Gigi and Annette, very enthusiastic in anticipation of this event, had planned to invite other merry friends and all to disguise us for the occasion. They had genuinely put all their heart into it, and according to the forecasts, we would form a group of eight or ten happy fellows. For my part, I had a lot more to think than to go waste my time on this kind of entertainment for which I had lost all interest from a long time, and a few days before the event, I was the only one who did not have still a costume despite the insistence of Annette. So I let myself bend to disguise myself as a prehistoric man, and the day came. I came back relatively late from my work, this Saturday, February 8, 1986, because I was still not very motivated by the night out. On the way back, I had time to think about what was waiting for me. Two solutions had then appeared to me acceptable: Or I dragged my feet away from the group throughout the evening, or I was remaining optimistic even when the going gets tough, and compelled me a little to give the impression of having fun. Upon my arrival, considering that everyone was already there, I took the unexpected solution of having fun quite simply. After all, since it was necessary to go there, as much as it serves to relax me: So I will clown!
My disguise itself allowed very well to enter into the spirit of the game, for in addition to the beard which I naturally wore at that time, and the tunic at long fur that Annette had made for me, I had put on a long haired wig which I had ruffled to the max. Provided with a big plastic bone that I carried from time to time to the mouth, it was enough for me to adopt the gait and the grunts of a monkey, to become the perfect Cro-
The music had just stopped between two dances, and each had just returned to his place when we made our entrance. There was no crowd, and as we were the largest and most disguised group, we were immediately the focal points, especially since our table was located opposite the orchestra, and was almost long the entire width of the dance floor. I was personally almost embarrassed about the situation and was about to sit quietly, when: Oh! Surprise! I saw Catherine and Gilles, this young couple we had known six or seven years ago. My neighbors of the building, when we had arrived in Evreux, where, in the small garage, I had built my first single-
Immediately, I noticed a fear, almost anguish on their part. How came that, it was not a mistake, it was them? Unlike her usually cheerful and laughing habit, Catherine seemed more and more afraid of my approach. And Gilles? Gilles and the pretty blonde with them? How was it? The more I walked towards them, the more they seemed all three to compress themselves into their chairs? Still with my gait of monkey and my grunts of prehistoric man, I almost jumped on Catherine to kiss her first. She went from livid white to scarlet red???
They recognized me and came all three with obvious embarrassment, sitting at our table on my invitation. Surprised, I also noticed a little embarrassment of Daniel, but I did not fell on this small detail. I was on the moment, very satisfied to have managed to bring to our table the pretty little blonde who accompanied Gilles and Catherine, which was enough for me. No doubt you have already understood that according to my habits, I had set my heart on her at first sight. In the company of Annette, whom I feared more and more jealousy, I had to play tight if I wanted achieve the aim without giving her the awakening. So when Daniel tried to tell me the reason for his embarrassment, which seemed to me to be in relation to this pretty little blonde, I feigned not to be interested in her. I listened to him with an ear all the more distracted, that I had in the meantime noticed his insistence to dance with her. He was no less a womanizer than I was, and I had no intention of either giving him priority or attracting Annette's suspicions. In a word, I had to on both ways the need to show my disinterestedness of this pretty blonde. Annette had "always" know that I did not particularly like blondes, but it should not be abused!
I learned two weeks later, the reason for their various fears. Marie-
Their emotions were past, and I danced with Marie-
And that makes two! It was a done deal, it was enough that I leave a few seconds before her and I will know where she lived in. Think, at four or five o'clock in the morning, in a small country village, in the middle of February, the outside lights were not going many to be spotted. That morning, when I left the house of our friends, a glance to the right, a glance to the left, and I knew where she lived. I had acquired without giving the awakening, enough details on this little blonde to find her on the occasion, but it was despite very little.
Two weeks passed before our family departed for winter sports, but they came at the right time for my personal amorous advances. We had certainly planned this stay as soon as we got back from vacation in September, long before I knew and my lay-
At first I felt myself an enterprising and confident soul, but the more time passed, the more I realized my ignorance about her. I had not been attentive to Daniel's words, nor even to Annette's words a few days later; once again not to give her the awakening on my intentions, but many of my questions remained unanswered. Was she married? Was her husband at home? How old were her children and how many were they? If I would knocking on the door and one of them opened to me saying "I goo loook foor my dad y", what would I tell him???
The more the day and the time that I will was going knocking on this door approached and the more I found good reasons not to go there. I think many will understand me. The day arrived, however, and I was still in my anguishing reflections when, in the evening, I left my work to find her. Leaving Mantes la Jolie, whatever my route, I had to go through Evreux. So I returned to Evreux in the first time. Then, to have the opportunity to knock on her door, I then needed that I go to her village... All this not being too compromising, so I went there! When I arrived in the village it was already at least eight pm, the streets were deserted, so I went slowly, slowly. "Yes, it could be this house! No! Ah yes! This one, yes the small median strip, the recessed fence, yes but anyway, a twenty-
Oh dear! This gate, this path of stones that seemed to me not to finish, the door... Knock knock!
The door opened: PHEW! It was her. "Ah! It's you? "I was lucky, she had thought it was the Mayor who, given the family context, came to file documents.” What are you doing there?” Two words, three words; I must have told her that I was alone, and that by "chance", as I had not eaten and had seen the light on, I had stopped saying good night. The door then opened wider: "Come in," she said to me, "I'm going to cook for you." PHEW! What sweat!
Marvel of wonders, she was alone, and her children were in bed. I ate no doubt, I do not remember, but we began to converse. It was already late, we had gone to the living room, both sitting on the couch, facing the door of communication, when slowly, but then very slowly, we saw the opening of this one. Also slowly, a little nose came forward, a sweet little face to the air little rascal appeared, it was Sabine who had been waked up. She was radiant; she really had a mischievous smile that we did not understand. She seemed happy, but happy! Without heeding our words, she closed the door also slowly that she had opened it, and we remained there until the next morning.
Sabine and Sebastian got up both very cheerful. They had, Sabine eight, and Sebastian six and a half. Sabine even more than Sebastian danced, clapping her hands and singing: "Mom is in love, mom is in love". This caused us a great astonishment on the moment, but also a long time later. Unable to understand, we accepted the situation as it was. Marie-
We had talked more than half the night, and we had found so much in common, a common desire to manage life, that it seemed to us to live a dream. Of course, I did not deal with all my sexual disorders, but did they really matter to me at that moment, since my deep and real motivation was to live the perfect love?
Every night of the week, we met again, it was wonderful. We exchanged our opinions on so many subjects that now I could not tell you which ones were of the greatest importance. The last day of the week, however, arrived very quickly, and although we had slept very little, we had so much and so much conversed that we knew what to stand as for us. Neither one of us was accepting to live a relationship from day to day, at a discount, to find ourselves in secret in the lie. I was married and loved my two children. I did not want to be responsible for their misfortune and Marie-
It was our firm and irrevocable decision of the moment, but also fundamentally sincere on both sides. Contrary to previous situations, the question had the advantage of being asked in plain language: Living with another woman? Yes! To do the misfortune of my children and this of Annette I lived with? Not!
So I went up towards Moutiers on this night train to go and look for mine in Meribel. On the wavy seat of this "wagon eight," I was remembering all those wonderful days. I do not think I remember feeling sorry for my married life, thinking it should not have existed. No!
The separation had been very painful as long as I did not get up a train, but I was going towards my children, towards the ski. The page was turned, at least, I thought.
When I arrived in Moutiers, I was awaited. Annette had a strong tonsillitis, so she could not ski, but would stay warm at the apartment. Daniel and Gigi and other friends who skied very little were there, mom too, Annette would not be alone. So we went off to ski all three, Samuel, Igor and me. Needless to say how fast they went for me who was not in perfect physical freshness, but let's move on.
In the evening all the little group of friends reformed as an aperitif, and it was going to happen here, an extraordinary thing, a turning point in my life. Two of them were smoking, and I took the cigarette they offered me! What is so extraordinary, will you say me? Exactly so! But let's look back a little.
I had smoked three or four years, maybe more, at the time of my departure to the army and I smoked a lot then, until the day when I really become aware of my weakness and had stopped. Just as I had always fought under all circumstances so as not to be weak, so I had found myself at that time, in the obligation to be stronger than many, in order to not to be as weak as the majority. There was then ten or twelve years that I was no more smoking, except for a cigar here and there at the beginning of this stop, and again, on very special occasions. So I had the great presumption of being not only completely immune from tobacco, but more importantly to feel preserved forever of it. I had never liked drinking in the only motive to drink, and in recent years, at each site meeting I supervised in my work, rather than bringing a fairly traditional liter of Pastis to the fitting teams, I had taken used to offer them a good box of cigars. I had become very friendly with a chief fitter, who gave me back these few little attentions, by many very good wills. Moreover, during the weekly meeting meal, rather than standing aside when I was alone, I was joining me to them all. Our relationships were very good, and from time to time at the end of these meals I was taking a cigar from the box I brought them. It was yet another relationship of good friendship. They were offering me a cigarette each time, when they were taking one, but I was kindly always refusing it.
This banality had lasted until the day when, knowing us better and better, they had kindly allowed teasing me, in the style: "Yes, you want your big cigars of bourgeois, but not our little cigarettes of prole... ". It was obviously all that was most friendly, and I still have happy memories from this moment, but when they arrived at this point, I took one. The week after, I took two, then three. For to be not always smoked at their expense, I bought one pack… It was gone again!
Warned for years by Annette, that she would not tolerate the possibility that I smoke again, I cannot say why I took seriously this threat of separation more than another, but in order to preserve our situation and our children as much as I could do it then, I did not have the boldness to tell her the truth. Five long years had passed in this absurd context and so I was there then on this day of winter sport, at almost forty years old, with a social position more than enviable for many, to keep a childish secret situation by fear of the conflict that would go stir up a hornet's nest. Because of a stupid history of cigarettes, when so many other reasons would had been a hundred times more important for a majority, I was forced to smoke in secret, if I wanted to keep a hope of life common with my wife. It must be said that the smoky atmosphere of the offices often allowed me to hide the facts when, returning home in the evening, I had somewhat forgotten to bring me chewing gum to purify my breath. As for the weekends, let's not talk about it, I was very often eager to arrive at Monday to "can myself grill one", not to mention the holidays that were forcing me to remain in withdrawal for many long weeks.
We were always at this level on this winter sport evening, and this first aperitif with friends. The majority of them knew the situation very well and sometimes teased me with a cigarette that I refused if I was not alone with them. After the week that I had just spent with Marie-
The next day, Annette was not much better, her angina lingered a little. She was accepting to spend the day waiting for us, Samuel, Igor and me to please me, but it is true that she was not well at all and would have preferred to return immediately. I must admit that many in my place would have abandoned the idea of spending the day skiing, especially since a violent storm was raging and the keys of the apartment had to be returned in the morning. She had certainly reluctantly agreed to spend the afternoon in the restaurant room where we had lunch, but we did not leave until the Saturday night after the closing of the pistes as every year.
In the evening the wind was still blowing hard, but nothing to suggest in the descent of the twisting road, which a cyclone could arise at the exit of each turn. Arrived in the valley, we found ourselves in a slight traffic jam, once is not custom is not it, when suddenly the storm that rose and swelled for hours burst and the reproaches as usual fell. I say nothing about these reproaches themselves, for no doubt they were quite justified. I do not know if it was the fact that for once I defended myself very little that gave her more assurance than usual, but from the depths of her resentment came back from the dead the cigarette of the day before. Her accusations flew almost like this: "Yes, that's it, you think I'm blind! You started smoking again! Do you think I did not see you last night? Since it is this, tomorrow when I arrive in Evreux, I ask for a divorce! ".
That was too much, even far too much, she had often blackmailed the divorce, the runaway, the suicide, what do I know yet. I do not say that to accuse her, because I know how much she really suffered from our lack of harmony, but here it was: TOO MUCH! FAR TOO MUCH!
I unloaded the five years during which I had to hide myself like a schoolboy, perceiving in advance more than too much the fight that it would inevitably bring. I also promised her that she would not have the chance to ask for this divorce herself, because I would be the one to do it.
I do not know if on the moment she believed me, because I had often happened myself to employ these kinds of threats without executing them. Unlike other times, on Monday morning, when I returned to my office, I called Marie-
At that moment, the first foot of the first step of the great journey had begun to advance. Did we know it, in this moment? We did not really know it, but it was that evening that Marie-
The first night was easy, I could be in trip business, as I say to Annette on the phone, but there was a tomorrow. I would have liked not to hurt my sons, who had already suffered so much from all discords. I would have liked to be able to keep them as before, but the common life with their mother was well and truly finished. I tried to reconcile the irreconcilable, to go home every other night... but what was my house? At home it was at Marie-
Oh ! I will not tell you that Annette's distress did not very often bring me an immense suffering, but I had abdicated. The page was really turned, I could not do anything more. It had taken me seventeen years to understand and capitulate to my good human will, which had only served to destroy what I wanted to build.
I lived then several months as well, as being caught between two stools. I spent a few nights a week in my former home, mainly at weekends, to be with Samuel and Igor. Once even, I went to meet them a few days in the Vosges, where they spent holidays with Annette and friends. But the problem was that, when I was with them, I felt guilty of neglecting Christophe, Sabine and Sebastian, as well as Marie-
It was only four to five months later, around the month of July, after another violent dispute with Annette, that I definitively brought my suitcase at Marie-
According to my projected budget of this beginning of activity, everything was confirmed, not as being easy, but nevertheless as a playable thing. I had a fax and a telex installed in my office, I had renewed my old little Renault 5 company, and profited from all the necessary office equipment by means of the cessation of activity of a neighboring multinational. The overall context was therefore encouraging, but none of the safe potential business with which I had left the former company had been dealt with in the first few months of activity. Only one had been, and I had lost it, which already brought some rather difficult ends of the month. At the beginning of July, however, I got one on Aubenas, which brought us a few months of rest, and also allowed us to combine the useful with the pleasant a few weekends. We also keep from this period an unforgettable memory, of a famous canoe descent of the gorges of the Ardèche, but let's move on.
At the beginning of September, taking into account the circumstances and my advice, Samuel, who had not yet really chosen his path, considered alternately preparing a BEP dairy, and joined the small group that we formed. I was encouraged in this by his attitude to join our new family for several months already. Igor, meanwhile, with a more reserved natural, struggled a little to put things in perspective. He was then only thirteen years old and found himself much more vulnerable to his mother's slanders about us. The suffering blinded her and led her to do behind my back, the harm she could not do to me directly.
These friends were called Nathalie, Leone, Dominique. They were all young nurses or aspiring nurses, with whom we shared a lot of our hobbies. Provisionally, I thought then, I had stopped the auto-
In good friendly moments we sometimes delirious on these topics so dear to our hearts or the boyfriends of one or the other, sometimes still on the escapades of their patients. Psychiatry being the ideal environment where the staff is motivated to question itself on the patient and his reactions, it gave us many topics of conversation.
With Muriel, another nurse friend and Dominique, the first jokes, had been on the point to materialize by the creation of a retirement home. All this was a little new to me, but as since my childhood I had always liked to ask questions about any subject, so I was happy about all these new discoveries.
I reveal you all this a bit in bulk, but when it was not the delirium of sweet screwballs, it was sometimes Leone who read us the cards. It was not serious in our opinion, but however not completely innocuous... It's easy to fall into this kind of trap! We will talk about it again.
In November of this year, eighty-
I cannot say if it was already the beginning of a new one, but it is true that it looked like more than strangely thereafter. For the moment the intervention was benign. She only stayed in hospital for a few days, but it was nevertheless a turning point for us, which would be going profoundly destabilize our couple.
Nothing really appeared firstly and shortly after her return at home, we welcomed for more than a month, a girl who was on the street: Odette. She was a tiny, frail person who was exactly two meters tall, for ninety to one hundred kilos. She had been child in care of Belgian public welfare services, and had known only community centers in her childhood. So it was a great experience for her to be to the contact with a real life of family. She often rendered us service in the sense that she thought it best to do it. I smiled a little, but it was very good, very sincere. She called Marie-
At that time, Christophe returned every week from college and let off steam on his drums. It was his first musical instrument, but it was not going to be the last. Sabine and Sebastian lived in the joy and recklessness of their youth. They only complained about one thing, cigarette smoke. We were all smoking like firefighters, and when Christophe's friends met to make Boom Boom on the drums in his room, not only could the little ones could no longer see the TV because of the smoke, but they could not even hear it. I'm joking of course about the noise and the smoke, but that to present the good family atmosphere that still reigned, with Samuel and Igor who were coming to join us more and more often.
In this end of the year, although still tired, Marie-
As far as my enterprise was concerned, it was already the precipice. I made quotation on quotation, proposal on proposal, but nothing was negotiated. My colleagues were not better off than me, for nothing at that time was negotiated quickly. Any investment decision was always postponed. I had obtained a small order in December, but I also lost another one. There was certainly nothing to say about the results, because I had obtained a deal out of two, although on each of the projects no less ten companies were regularly consulted. However, I was lacking in financial base and when the total number of cases processed equals zero, half of zero is always zero. Then, my salary, like those of the team, also began to be equal to zero, especially as my shareholders, influenced by the statements of Annette did not want to follow me anymore.
The morale was not at the most beautiful, my misunderstanding towards Marie-
If morale was not high, physical health was not there either. I had been suffering from osteoarthritis to the reeds since more than fifteen years and was not able to spread my legs more than about fifty centimeters, I was suffering more and more and the evil progressed from year to year. During the winter sports I often forced too much, and even if I remained all day on skis, I had to wear my left leg to get into the car when my joints had cooled down.
For her part Marie-
We both had a few moments of respite to our sufferings by the prescription of homeopathic medicines, which brought us renewed hope. Not being able, however, to compare medicines with one another, and having since returned without problem to more classical prescriptions, I will not make any comment.
During this time my divorce was running and was also running the time allowed for the regularization of the agreements made to take over in my personal behalf, the detached house acquired under the community regime two years earlier. Also running, the repayment monthly, which, for the good salary I had previously, would had not been important, but for a salary equal to zero, were mathematically equal to plus or minus the infinite.
Indeed, even if several deals were about to come to fruition, none of them had been treated since several months. I borrowed a little from one, a little from the other. In those days I had two good size proposals that could not escape me and were in the last right line from their conclusion. If I had them both, not only did they bail me out, but they opened to me the doors of growth.
It was in this context that for the first time in years, a friend brought me question about God. I was going to say, it was very innocuous. The words may be so, but as to the acts, judge for yourself. I did not know that man very well on a personal level, but very well at the business level, since he was one of my suppliers. He owned a stainless steel valve factory in the Lyon region and when he realized that three other suppliers were going to sue me for unpaid, he proposed to pay me the invoice of the most demanding: It amounted to twenty-
I know that he did not do it by personal interests, but by pure Christian charity, that God sure enough rewards him a hundredfold. Seven days later, I was summoned to the Versailles commercial Court. The cessation of activity was declared.
This was obviously not a surprise for me, but the next day, with the heavy heart, I began to store my equipment, when I probably received the last phone call before having the line cut permanently. That was one of those two customers whose project was about to conclude; They were putting me an order. I obviously could not accept it. We were in July 1987.
This project, which was treated with a pharmaceutical laboratory, focused on the production and distribution of ultra pure demineralized water. This customer had accepted my proposal, following the partnership I brought on the one hand, but mainly because of the confidence they gave to my project, the sterilization process having never been used in France in this kind of use. Everything happened a few seconds too late, but given their convictions to trust me, we found common ground. They were going to order from one of my partner companies, who would retrocede me various services as consulting engineer. No sooner said than done, the same day I declared myself in this position before the official organizations.
The things seemed to want to evolve with these new data, so we moved to my home in Evreux, more spacious than the house of Marie-
I had actually for the circumstances, invited "graciously" Samuel and Christophe to come to help me to the electrical and pneumatic wiring that I had kept at my expense in addition to my standard services of study, supervision and commissioning. Christophe had just passed his BEPC (former school certificate of secondary education) and had missed it, as for Samuel who had pretended to register... He had missed it too. Guess the mistake. However, they both had some basic knowledge of electric wiring, Christophe because it was a bit of his obi after the drums, and Samuel, because he had been very well involved at the time of the construction of our house. It was for both of them, their real weapons in the industry and it was probably for them a brain wave, since a few years later they were both going to do an electro mechanic Adult Professional Formation internship.
Around that time, I stopped smoking a second time. On the one hand, I felt like a great numbness, like a great lassitude, that took me all the left shoulder every time I smoked, but above all there was the financial situation of which I felt guilty. Just like the first time, about fifteen years ago, I pretended to be strong, stopping smoking when I wanted to. I even added this time, the possibility of losing weight in parallel. I said it certainly as a joke, whereas it was lack of income, but deep in my heart, I suffered hugely of that.
Just like me, Marie-
From month to month she became more yellow, like earth color. At the beginning of our union, her vitality, which was well above average, without being exaggerated like mine, had gradually, very gradually diminished. At twenty, she was nicknamed "Miss hundred-
The years had passed for me, since the age of thirteen or fourteen, when my parents had brought these "people", to thwart possible acts of witchcraft, but I cannot say that this interpretation of the facts then be completely sink into oblivion. There was no more than a dozen years that Papa had died, while I still held my grandmother responsible for her death by acts of witchcraft. I was certain, however, that this kind of evil could be overcome by the only strength of character. Only here, too much is too much, and all obstinacy has its own limits. Mine was dwindling from day by day.
I do not tell you that I sank then into depression. No! On the contrary, because I had always the firm intention to bring, to each one, brighter future! I continued to fight, but as for supernatural forces, it was beginning to form a big question mark in my mind. This subject, however, remained more than unapproachable with Marie-
She remembered, of course, that in the first days of her entry into psychiatry, she had received from a good priest, probably the hospital chaplain, a unique teaching on exorcism. This first contact then gave way to so many opposite demonstrations, that the justification of the thesis, was quickly demolished by the daily antithesis lived during the following twenty-
Her behavioral changes were going to begin however, to bring us closer to each other. I am not talking about the broad lines that could have been linked to all the financial difficulties or other unfortunate circumstances that we were living. No, it was to the contrary of a whole of small details of behavior that did not exist in her previously and that I saw every day appear imperturbably. Nor was it a transformation of fundamental appearances; no, but located in all the little details that I had been able to reproach to Annette in the past or even just find it unpleasant in her.
They were small trifles for which she was not responsible, but I began to find them more and more in Marie-
As I had often done for Annette, I obviously began to question Marie-
She was young for this kind of experience, about twenty-
This budget was unfortunately systematically negative with our only current income, that is to say the salary of Marie-
However, we had to turn the tide if we wanted to go back in the right direction, so even if we had to pay a lot, we thought have needed a powerful person.
For my part, I had not been convinced of the efficacy of the prayer of the good old priest that we had gone to see, as to Marie-
Some time passed and as the situation did not evolve, we made an appointment with this "Monsignor". While waiting for this meeting, I still did not fall into apathy, because even if the morale was slightly reached, I had more than ever the firm intention to hold one's head high. I had perhaps hopeful because of this future "release from a spell", but above all for another more concrete project. The company that had bought me the site work supervision that we just mentioned was quite large and had several subsidiaries around the world. I sometimes met the CEO who had expressed the possibility of an opportunity to join our efforts. In Venezuela, he had a subsidiary that was in need of finding new openings of market, following the collapse of the oil price and the devaluation of the Bolivar that had followed. This subsidiary did not want to take over the structure of an agro-
This opportunity was all the more unexpected that we had a Venezuelan friend Felipe, an assistant doctor at the hospital where Marie-
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